


love in two parts

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 09:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15409527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Although this is a two part fic, you don't have to read one part to understand another."reasons for ease" is more anxiety and Alex centric, while "Ache" is more depression and John centric.Check the tags, stay safe, and enjoy!





	love in two parts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Panteleimon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panteleimon/gifts).



> Someday I'll write something other than vent fics, but today is not that day.
> 
> Triggers: High anxiety, high expectations, low self-esteem, panic attacks.
> 
> Also a lil bit about the title: I couldn't decide, so I just went for a halfway point. This chapter is loosely based off the original song "Reasons Why I Like You" by Abbey Glover (check her out, she's on YouTube and the cutest person ever) and "EASE" by Troye Sivan.
> 
> ALSO: This fic is gifted to Panteleimon for being the first to give kudos to my other story. Thanks!
> 
> Okay I'm done enjoy

Alex sat down, head between his knees and heart racing.

_In for four, hold for seven, out for eight._

_Again._

_Again._

_____________

Over the past few weeks, Alex had been a nervous wreck. Between his AP classes and debate and all the studying for the upcoming finals, Alex barely had time to see his saving grace, or John Laurens, whichever you'd prefer.

John could obviously sense the anxiety surrounding Alex and texted him as often as he could, with encouraging messages and heart emojis and any homework that he thought would help.

Being as busy as he is, Alex rarely had time to look at John's texts, and when he opened them, he started crying because how in the actual fuck did he end up with such a sweet and beautiful boyfriend? But then the crying wouldn't stop for 15 minutes and Alex's anxiety would act up again because it was  _15 whole minutes wasted on crying, and now the Ethnic Studies would have to be put off until tomorrow morning_ and then Alex started to hyperventilate and he wouldn't be done until half an hour after he read the text.

Then, of course, he forgot to respond.

At least, until he was finally in bed at 1AM and remembered that  _holy shit he left his boyfriend on read_ and then would debate texting John back until ultimately deciding against it and going to bed at 2:30, only to wake up 3 hours later.

Yeah. He wasn't exactly having the time of his life.

The only that helped with his perpetual exhaustion was coffee, which made his anxiety worse, which made him sleep less, which made him drink more coffee. 

He was pretty much destroying himself, but he was an ambitious little shit and he wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

At least, unless a panic attack stopped him first. Which, with his luck, was precisely what happened. Almost every day.

____________

_4, 7, 8. 4, 7, 8._

_5 things to see, 4 things to touch, 3 things to hear, 2 things to smell, 1 thing to taste._

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit."

Alex knew he should call John, because he lives down the street and loves him and smells like flowers, but he doesn't want to bother him and probably can't move enough to pick up the phone.

"Fuck. Fuck. FUCK."

Worth a try, at this point.

With shaking hands, Alex reached across from him and pulled his phone close. Lockscreen blurry through the tears, Alex tapped in John's birthday, getting it wrong three times before his phone finally granted him entrance.

Fingers tripping across his screen, Alex managed to open his phone app, going to his most frequent list and calling John.

The phone rang once -  _this was a bad idea_ \- twice -  _why did he think john would pick up?_ \- three times -  _he should probably hang up_ -

J: "Alex, babe! What's up?"

A: "J-John. I w- I was-" Alex clapped a hand over his mouth as another sob came out.

J: "Oh shit, hon. You need me to come over? Just say something and I'll be there."

Alex could barely speak, so he just made a noise that sounded like a please.

J:"Ok. Love you. I'm gonna be there in, like, two minutes, okay? I love you."

Alex was too far gone to choke out a "You too", so he ended the call and placed his head between his knees again.

______________

Two minutes later, John came up to Alex's doorstep. John unlocked the door and walked to the upstairs bedroom before softly knocking on Alex's door.

"It's John, hon."

Upon hearing no response, John opened the door and walked in, scanning the room quickly for Alex. He found him in the corner of his bedroom, curled up and rocking back and forth.

John closed the door behind him and crossed the floor, sitting down next to Alex. "Hey. I want to put my arm around your shoulder. Is that okay with you?"

Alex whimpered something that sounded like a yes, so John wrapped an arm around Alex, while using his free hand to pull out his phone.

John opened his music app, going straight to the calming playlist that he made specifically for Alex.

Radiohead filled the room, mixing with the sounds of Alex's sobs.

"Okay, love. Did you try regulating your breathing? Can you do that for me?"

Alex choked out a "Trying" between the sobs.

"Great! That's great, hon."

John moved the hand around Alex's shoulders to his hair, stroking it softly. John's other hand wrapped around Alex's, making circles on his skin.

John had seen Alex's panic attacks before, but none were this bad. Alex was completely curled into himself, with arms wrapped protectively around his knees and fingernails digging into his upper arm. Granted, Alex had went from rocking to shaking, but he was still shaking pretty badly. And the sobs- oh god, the sobs. Combined with his ragged breathing, John didn't know how Alex hadn't passed out yet.

For the next eight minutes or so, John continued to play with Alex's hair, kissing the top of his head and whispering encouraging things every so often.

Slowly, but surely, Alex began to calm down. His shaking slowed, his breaths evened out, and his crying turned to occasional hiccups.

"Good, love. You did so well."

Alex picked his head up, stretching his legs out and leaning on John.

"Do you want me to get water and tissues, or do you want to talk first?"

A: "Talk, please."

J: "Okay. Do you want to tell me about what triggered it? You don't have to, of course, but it might help to get it out."

Alex bit his lip. "It's just," Alex sighed. "Finals are stressing me out. I don't have a lot of time to do homework or study when I get back from debate, and my anxiety h- has been crazy high, so I can't sleep very much. I just feel like I'm going to fail, you know? And I can't - I can't deal with that. I've worked so hard for this, you know? I can't let it go to waste."

J: "Oh, honey. You won't fail. You're the hardest working person I've ever met, and so fucking smart. You won't fuck it up, I promise."

A: "I think so, but then my anxiety says otherwise. But like, it's not even just school stuff. It gets to... other things."

John cocked his head. "Like what?" Alex mumbled something under his breath.

J: "Sorry, what?"

A: "You."

John's eyes widened. "Shit, did I do something?" Alex quickly shook his head. "No, of course not. It's just- I'm out of your league, you know? How did I end up with the pretty boy? You're just so damn charming, and kind, and smart, and just wonderful, and I'm a fucking wreck. At other times, and especially now, I feel like I'm not doing enough. With you, or for you."

John's features softened. "Alex, love, you're- holy shit. You're amazing, you know that? There's not a single damn thing I don't love about you. I love your dimples, and how your eyes crinkle when you smile. I love your laugh, and your love for hoodies, and your beautiful eyes. I love your way with words, and how sweet you are. I love your strength, and everything else about you. You're enough, Alex. More than enough, actually."

Alex smiled, moving to wipe his eyes. "Stop. you're gonna make me cry again."

John laughed, pulling Alex closer to him and kissing his forehead. "I'm gonna get you some water, okay?"

Alex nodded. As John was halfway to the door, Alex spoke up. "Can we, um, go to sleep when you get back? I'm kinda tired, and-"

John smiled. "Of course, love."

_____________

Alex curled up into John, burying his face in his chest and taking in the vague smell of flowers.

"Love you, Alex."

Alex smiled, drifting off to a restful sleep for the first time in weeks. "You too."

______________

_Your touch, my comfort, and my lullaby_

_Holdin' on tight and_ sleepin' _at night._

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment w/ constructive criticism or something nice if you want, it encourages me to keep writing. Kudos are welcome as well! Thanks for reading, and I hope you had/have a wonderful day


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